Drug Abuse

Question by Mia: How do you get over having all your plans for the future crushed?
I know this sounds pretty stupid and immature, but I can’t even explain how emotionally invested I was in this. I met this guy online when we were both 12. Stupid, I know, but we talked on webcam so I knew he wasn’t a pedophile or something. We’re almost on opposite sides of the US. There was never any way to see each other other than webcam, but we talked/texted/IMed every day. All day long or all night long, sometimes both. I mean like 12 hours straight of talking usually. This went on until I got up the nerve to tell him I was in love with him when we were 14. He said he loved me too but he’d been shy, and we “dated” and continued talking like crazy about everything.
So before we met, he’d done some drugs for a while. He’d started back up off and on when we were friends, but a little after we started “dating”, he got really bad. I tried to get him to stop, to talk tohis mom about it, to go to rehab, nothing worked for very long. So talking to him for 12 hours became babysitting him as well as I could long-distance so he wouldn’t drive or hurt himself. Several times he did a little too much and I had to keep him awake or try to keep him calm.
He got a lot better for a while when we were 16 and we started really making plans. I was going to move to be with him when I turned 18, and he even had a job set up with his cousin for me when I got there. We picked out where we were going to live and everything. He talked about wanting to marry me and I agreed to do it.
And everything was perfect for about a year, and I was even just about to tell my parents about him when he relapsed. Hard. And this time he pushed everyone who didn’t fully support him away, including me. Relapsed, cheated on me, a lot, broke up with me and almost totally stopped talking to me, within about 5 months. His new girlfriend was so supportive of his using that she actually got mad when he tried to stop, and that’s really all he wanted at the time.
Then he went to juvy, got out, talked to me like nothing real with us ever happened and it was just some kind of fling, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk to him since. We’re both almost 18 now, and I literally have nothing to show for because I spent all highschool either “taking care” of him, or making plans with him that are now irrelevant. My gpa sucks, I have no job, no plans, nothing. I’ve gotten to the point of being almost suicidal about this, and the worst part is I can’t even tell my parents anything about the last 6 years. Can somebody please give me advise on how to get over this, move on, and repair things?

Best answer:

Answer by Alaina
Oh boy, I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. Broken hearts suck. Broken plans suck. Being unable to talk to your Parents sucks. Being cheated on sucks. It’s a lot. I’m sorry.

I know it doesn’t feel possible right now, but this too shall pass. Here’s what I see as silver linings: you don’t have to babysit your addict BF anymore, you don’t have to watch him f*ck up and hurt himself, make bad choices, etc and don’t have to take the abuse that comes along with having an addict in your life. Also, you can start to focus on yourself, your plans, your dreams, build a life that works for you before settling down.

You haven’t been single since you were 12, staying in the same relationship you started when you were a kid limits who you will become. If you think about it, did staying in the same relationship for so long restrict you from branching out and learning new things? You did everything you could, and the relationship didn’t work, it has nothing to do with you. Imagine if he relapsed AFTER you moved your whole life to be with him? Good this happened now, before you made a huge move instead of after. I bet you ALSO learned a lot about yourself and what you want your relationships to be like from this 6 year relationship. If you were totally honest with yourself, was this guy REALLY who you wanted to end up with… or just someone who had been around so long you just figured was it for you?

You will be okay… eventually. Right now though, it sucks. Every day will get a little easier, and your old plans for the future will be replaced with bigger, better, bolder ones that revolve around YOU (not anyone else)! Maybe, in the meantime, you might find it helpful if you join a gym… physical exercise is a great way to release negative emotions and start focusing on how good it feels to take care of yourself.

Best of Luck!

Answer by bamawing
Wow.

At age 17 you’ve been through more than someone twice your age should be expected to go through! You’ve got to be amazingly strong… more so than you give yourself credit for. Not to mention wise… I would have expected a teenager in your position to be asking “how can I help him?” Instead, you’re smart enough to be asking “how can get over this?” And all the love you put into someone who was not acting lovable means you’ve got an amazing heart.

Step one: trust yourself. You *do* have something, even if it’s not what a lot of the kids in your class have. You have your own inner strength and wisdom. You have a lot of experience caring for a very needy person.

Step two: reach out, if need be. I hated my high school counselor, but maybe you’ve got a good one. Try al-anon or alateen if you need to. If you feel even remotely comfortable in a church, that’s another place to try… preachers are sworn to secrecy about this sort of thing.

Step three: dream small. Or big. Your choice. What do you like to do? What’s your favorite subject in school? What job was it that you were going to have, and would you like to have that kind of job only closer to home?

You can do this. 🙂