Drug Abuse

Question by TheresaJones.: I think my mom is too controlling, but am I wrong?
Okay so, I am fifteen years old. I honestly can say I’m mature and wise for my age, and most of the time I make good decisions, but occasionally I’ll do some teenage thing that probably wasn’t a great idea. Anyways, my mom constantly tells me how proud she is of me because she knows I’m smart and I don’t give her any trouble. Sometimes I’ll get into an argument with her and think she is the most annoying person I know, but I usually keep myself under control. Here’s the thing though; she manipulates me all the time. My parents got divorced when i was probably two, but have always been friends, and I got to spend a week with my dad, and then a week with my mom. They both loved my brother and I alot. My brother was a bad kid; he was nice and flattering to adults, but was heavily into drugs and partying. When I was thirteen, he was sixteen, and in September, my brother committed suicide. He did it at my dad’s house, with a gun that my dad bought a while before. Ever since then my mom hasn’t forgiven my dad and wouldn’t let me live with him anymore. My dad and I are best friends though, and we are extremely close. Writing this makes me really sad actually. Also, my brother and my mom always fought, and he acted like he hated her and said that she was a crazy bitch that tried to control him and treated him like a little boy. Anyways, I’ve been pretty good, but I’ve gotten into some trouble lately. On Halloween my friends all smelled like weed, but I didn’t so my mom was worried and wouldn’t let me sleep at my friend’s house and blocked all their numbers from my phone. (Which I can understand, by the way, I didn’t smoke.) And the next day she found out that I went to a rave and got really mad because she heard about what people do there.
She’s never been easy going with me, and always gets grumpy and pissy whenever I mention my dad or talk to him on the phone. I really just want her to forgive him because she has too much hate in her heart.

Also:
-I’m home completely alone after school from 2-6 almost everyday, and she doesn’t care.
-Never lets me hang out with new people unless she’s talked to their parents.
-She treats me like I’m five, and it annoys me so horribly badly. But I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
-I’m too scared to ask to go for a walk around the neighborhood, because she’ll get suspicious even if i’m not doing anything, and then she’ll stop trusting me.
-She’s kind of preventing me from having a nice social life.
-She looks through my phone whenever she pleases, and is super nosy.
-I’ll be moody one day, sad and depressed, and she’ll start blaming herself only so that I’ll reassure her its not her fault, even though its completely her fault that I’m lonely and feel like I have no life.

So my questions are..
-Is my mom exaggerating about my dad and should I be able to live with him?
-How should I convince her to be more easy going about things, because she’s extremely stubborn.
-Is my mom different than other moms? Or am I just a teenager that thinks their life is terrible etc?
Oh, and to make it fair, my dad does drink beer everyday, but he’s fat and very rarely gets drunk. I can also get away with more things at his house, but then again, I have good intentions and I’m not planning on being like my brother.

Best answer:

Answer by Lauren™
Hey!
I’m 15 too
I’m so so sorry about your brother. Was she like this before he tried to kill himself? If not, then that’s probably the reason. Your mum probably has good reasons for doing what she is. She just wants you to be safe, although I get how that could be annoying. Maybe build up some trust with her? Also, unless the courts say you can’t, you have a right to see your dad. Again, your mum had her child try to kill himself there, so she could be worried that you may do the same thing. Talk with your mum and build up some trust. I don’t know if your mums different. I don’t see mine much, but most of my friends are allowed to go out when we want during the day. I do have 2 friends who aren’t allowed into the city because of the drugs that are there. My friends and I aren’t really into the whole partying thing, so we’ve never really had your problem, I’d say yours is slightly stricter than most. Talk with her!

Hope all turns out well x

Answer by Applestraw
First off, I am so, *so* sorry about your brother. I am so sorry that you had to go through that and for your loss.

I think that your mom is (understandably) devastated. It sounds like she is blaming your dad for your brother’s death. It’s not fair, but it’s pretty common for people to do things that don’t make much sense when a loved one commits suicide.

It sounds like she’s a bit controlling. I don’t know if she was like that before your brother died, but if she wasn’t, she’s probably being controlling because she’s terrified of losing you. If she was controlling before your brother passed away, then it sounds like she has control issues. People with control issues often feel anxiety about things outside their control, so in turn they try to control people or things around them. It makes them feel less anxious.

I think your mom needs therapy. She needs to talk to someone about your brother and work through it. Keeping you from living with your dad is not fair and she’s not keeping you from going there because of any rational reason. For instance, it’s not like your dad is feeding you booze and drugs, right? If that were the case, I could understand her not letting you hang with your dad. But it’s because of what happened to your brother that she’s keeping you from going to your dad’s. That’s definitely not a good thing and it’s not fair to you or your dad. You guys are grieving over the loss of your brother too.

Some of the stuff you mention sounds like she’s just being a mom, but some of it sounds like she’s being waaay too overprotective.

I say, be honest with her. Approach her gently, but be honest. Tell her how much you love her and care for her, but tell her that you do feel sad and depressed because of the way she treats you sometimes. Tell her that you understand that she cares for you and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to you, but that she *can* trust you. Show her how you are trustworthy. *Show* her and give her examples of times where you’ve been trustworthy in the past. Tell her that you miss him too and that you want to be able to talk about it and heal together with her. Tell her how important it is for you to hang out with your dad and tell her *why*. Tell her that hanging out with her makes you happy and it makes you just as happy to hang with your dad. You have the right to want to see your own father! Ask her why, exactly, can you not live with your dad like you used to? What did he *do* exactly? Even if she gets grumpy, tell her that you want to understand WHY she gets so grumpy at just the mention of him. Tell her that you want to work through all this. That you’re there to listen and to try to understand. -But that you *need* to be understood as well. That’s what you deserve.

Again, I am so sorry about your brother. My heart goes out to you.

Edit: I don’t think it’s a big deal that your dad drinks beer. Lots of people do. Let your mom know what your intentions are. She does kind of sound like a control freak. Control freaks feel the need to control everything around them to fend off feelings of helplessness and anxiety. I think you should try talking to her.

Help stop teen prescription drug abuse
Did you know more Americans now die from drug overdoses than car crashes? It is a startling and deadly statistic. Of these deaths, 60 percent were due to the misuse and abuse of prescription drugs—making them more deadly than illicit drugs like …
Read more on Muscatine Journal

Wooton: Scary trend in drug usage by teens
I also thought, at that point in time, that there were four main forms of chemical dependency counseling and each had a place in the way the therapeutic community dealt with teens and drugs. … First was prevention, and I had zero interest in being …
Read more on Pomerado Newspaper Group