Drug Abuse

Question by tafe: Is my ex with borderline personality disorder likely to contact me again?
i’m pretty sure my ex has bpd. He’s dumped me 3 times abruptly with no real reason. First time he Just stopped contacting me for 2 months (after telling me he loved me days before) 2nd time he finished with me to spend time with his teenage kids, again after 2 months he resurfaced telling me he’d thought about me every day, we reconciled, now this time after 7 months of things running smoothly hes just dumped me abruptly again saying i lied about something? (but won’t tell me what) i definitely didn’t. He did everything for me before leaving me. helped me move house, in fact there was nothing he couldn’t do for me. he was declaring his love for me just days before. At first i asked to talk about his decision to end it with me, he said no. After a while anger set in and i thought i’m fed up of this repetitive behavior he can b*****r off. So i told him he’d kicked me to the floor too many times and i’d had enough. I still love him but recognize his behaviour is destroying me.i’m a shadow of my former self. he’s a bit of a loner,so i’m sure no other woman was involved. i’m struggling to understand his behaviour and whether he ever loved me. 2 months have passed now with no contact, this is the first time i’ve got angry with his behaviour and told him so. Is it likely he’ll still contact me to try and win me round? i’m automatically on edge. i know i won’t have him back.but its hard to understand the disorder.
thanks so much for your in depth answers i thoroughly appreciate your advice. Is my ex (with this likely disorder) likely to not have any idea of the time that passes since our separation? What i’m trying to get at i guess, is could i expect contact tomorrow or 6 months down the line? last time we separated i’m sure the idea of me getting over him helped drive him to contact me. I know the idea of me with another man got to him. He has almost everything that has been described below. Neglected childhood, cannabis abuse, a chilly approach to his children. His eldest son has mental health issues. He has only two friends. Acts as if the world owes him a favour. Lack of education. Poor motivation, everything, i mean everything that i’m not, yet he keeps yanking at my strings! (i do suffer low self esteem though which may answer alot) people say i’m extremely attractive (i’m not bragging)and he is average Joe,yet he always knows what to say.
I AM NOT putting up with it anymore, although it

Best answer:

Answer by Nita h
WHILE he may or may not have a mental health disorder (and there would be other symptoms besides this that would send up red flags) REMEMBER only YOU are responsible for how you allow him to treat you. It might be that he does this BECAUSE you allow him too, he is too young to have a real relationship, or he is mentally ill. MANY THINGS can cause this.
HONESTLY there really are too many fish in the sea to allow anyone to be with someone that mistreats them. Don’t settle for treatment like this, there are guys that are trustworthy, honest, and will work just to see a smile on your face everyday. I KNOW, I AM MARRIED TO ONE, and the thing is IF I had stayed with the ex TOAD I was married to, I would have missed him and my true happiness with a wonderful husband. BEST THING I EVER DID was understand that I may have feelings for someone, but I did not deserve to be mistreated. There were times and days that I missed the toad and doubted myself, especially since I believed ALL MEN were really toad’s anyway, and at least I KNEW what this toad was.
BEST THING I EVER DID FOR MYSELF, MY CHILDREN, was held my course and NOT go back.
MUCH MUCH GOOD LUCK~

Answer by Kunu Chuck
I wish I had good news for you, but if this guy is anything like my son’s girlfriend, who has BPS and other issues, the roller-coaster ride will probably continue indefinitely. This girl has been pulling the same kind of things you describe (one day they adore you, the next, you’re mud), for FOUR YEARS! My son is 20 so he’s at the age where I can’t tell him anything and can’t stop him from seeing her, though I’ve tried reasoning with him.

She controls almost every aspect of his life, trashes his friends, his band, his schooling (she went to private school so she’s forcing him to read Jane Austen to “better” his reading! At least she could’ve picked something less dry and boring–to a guy anyway!). Still, it’s the concept; that they are “entitled”, that their wishes come first, that YOU are there to serve them and take them back after they’ve ditched you for no reason.

Strangely, people with BPS often feel worthless, not deserving of love and as if there is something deeply “wrong” with them! They seem to get their false sense of “worth” by dominating and clinging to others. I don’t think you can “understand” the disorder the way you might understand OCD or depression or anxiety. It doesn’t fit neatly into one category. It, like the person it strikes, is all over the place! But here’s an excerpt from one article:

“While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.” (1)

BPS sufferers often have chaotic relationships with others–that “on again-off again” syndrome”, along with the following:

– Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
– Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
– Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
– Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
– Suicidal behavior [or self-destructive, like cutting]
– Fear of being alone (2)

Causes may include childhood abuse, brain abnormalities (mostly chemical) and genetics.

Neglect is often listed as a common source of BPS. It doesn’t even have to be abuse. Kids who were routinely pushed aside or ignored by parents or caregivers often develop attention-seeking behavior that is out of control. It would be interesting to investigate whether only children or first children are LESS prone to this, as they usually get more attention.

There is no way to predict what someone with BPS will do, but therapy can help. Whether they are willing to seek it or participate in it, even if they are forced to do so, is another matter.

I can’t tell you what to do, but if you want your life back, I’d suggest to this guy that he get help NOW and wait until you see how he does. I wish my kid would have written this question! Who knows what suffering he has in store as this girl struggles with her disorder?

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